Upper Middle Petrol Head:

Those of you that know UMPH will realise he's no fan of shaving.  The greying beard probably gives it away, right?  Yes and no.   Yes , because he really does love his facial follicles but no , because in this instance he's actually referring to the strange practice of removing vehicles' external door handles and locks. In its most extreme version - the 'Lo-Lux' look favoured by young skater types - even the door handles get removed.    Devotees of the style like to ruin perfectly serviceable utes by dropping the rears so low the headlights point skywards, then weld and bog-up nearly anything that ever hinged or opened.   How they even get into their faux-gangsta mobiles is a mystery.  Electronic remotes, perhaps?  What if the battery goes flat?  Anyway, enough said about the pants half-way down their bums brigade and those stupid skater hats ... This week's subject is more semi-shaved ; an old-school bikini line rather t...

The UMPHs aren't tracky-dacks and Blunnie people (not in combination, anyway).  They're not hung up on a Tasmanian team being part of the Australian Football League, either.  In fact, there are many Tasmanian stereotypes that they don't conform to at all, given that they're not "dregs, bogans or third generation morons," as Leo Schofield has described the populace.  However, like so many citizens of the island state, late autumn will see them happily snuggled into their black puffer jackets and a Subaru wagon does grace their driveway. Some years ago, Tasmania had the highest per capita Subaru ownership in the southern hemisphere.  It may still be so, notwithstanding the growth of the SUV market and the entry of many new manufacturers into the segment.  At least five Subies reside in the UMPH's own short street alone. And so it was, with the Exxie out of action until who knows when, the Galant way too loud for Mrs UMPH...

What drives sensible people to do stupid things?  Some smoke, despite overwhelming evidence that it will probably make them prematurely dead.  Others drink and drive.  Then there are those who join religious cults,  think that tattoos of their kids' names done in joined-up writing look classy or  believe that McDonald's actually employ baristas. UMPH has tried to live a moderately intelligent life.  He stopped attempting to ride motorbikes years ago, more often than not drinks in moderation and has never once voted Liberal.  So what on this funny little planet possessed him to buy a Fiat and why did he think it was a good idea to detour down Tasmania's east coast on his way home from the Longford Revival?    It may have been the weather.  The Weber twins' sweet music might have seduced him, too, as he and his mate from the last two Huon Valley adventures turned left at Conara and headed east - that and the fact he couldn't ...

What could be more Gallic than two couples in their Peugeots touring local vineyards on the first day of Autumn?  Imagine, if you will, one driver's scarlet scarf trailing in the breeze as she pilots her chic convertible, roof down, through the lush green countryside in search of pinot noir and Chardonnay, closely followed by the tres elegant Mme S upérieure T ête de L'essence Moyenne ... .  Hold on a minute!  Whilst it is true that She of the Scarlet Scarf's fellow Peugeot driver is very stylish, there isn't a beret and stripey tee shirt wearing cyclist in sight - let alone one with onions draped over his handlebars - and both Pugs are driving on the wrong side of the road for France!  Just as well they're actually heading down to Tasmania's Huon Valley, thirty minutes south of Hobart! This week's expedition features She of the Scarlet Scarf, her friend who's a boy (but is not her boyfriend - AKA the former second best forens...

Curiously, UMPH is fond of bug-spatter.  For him, the sight of mangled insects festooning the front of a car speaks of country adventures ; it reminds him of night-time dashes along rural roads, moths having set their controls for the heart of the sun, dive-bombing and smashing themselves into The Galant's or Exxie's lights.  This latest episode may have been a day-time only affair but Tasmania's Midlands Highway, the main route between Hobart in the south and Launceston in the north, was thick with all manner of six-legged flying fauna.  It didn't take long to start an impressive insect collection on the business end of The Galant.  The otherwise unrelenting ennui of Tasmania's most boring road was thus punctuated by jets of soapy washer-spume as the variously yellow, white, clear, brown and red entrails of local arthropods were scoured from the The Galant's windscreen by its hard-working wipers. Turning left at Perth and beginning the we...